I Don't Live in a Dream

My entire life can basically be summed up by dreams I developed from watching movies. It all began as a child and the Disney Movie fantasy of the perfect life. My dream was less about the knight in shining armor, and more about the warmth and satisfaction surrounding contentment. Do you know what I mean? Remember in the The Aristocat’s when all three kittens are snuggled all cozy like, sound asleep in their basket with their mother? They were completely unaware of any danger or any reason to be worried. Or in The Little Mermaid, where Ariel is seen singing about dingelhoppers and thingamabobs. She is perfectly content in the knowledge that she knows exactly what she wants from life. She may not know how to get there yet, but she knows where she is going. She wasn’t going to let a little thing like not having any legs stop her from achieving her dream. Fierce. Am I right?! I, too, knew exactly what I wanted to be and where I wanted to go with my life’s path. I wanted to be a wife, and a mother. Now, this is no big secret, as anyone who knows me knows just how much I dreamt of this life. I had illusions (or delusions) that I would be exceptional at both marriage and motherhood. While my childhood friends were dreaming of becoming doctors or pilots, I was playing house and dreaming of family gatherings in my home. I could just see it! The giant Christmas tree would glimmer in the front window, covered in a thousand white twinkle lights and it would be heavily adorned by ornaments hand made by my many, many children. The smell of turkey roasting in the oven would fill the house and only be rivaled by the scent of pies cooling on the kitchen counter. So, I think more than the princes, I swooned for Mr. Banks. Not so much, the man, but his life. I played Mary Poppins so often. I would wear the little white apron and sing about being spit spot while cleaning my room, all the while, taking diligent care of my baby dolls. Mary kept such a tidy house and looked after the children with an unmatched skill, that I used her as my benchmark for the perfect mother. I knew that I would keep a perfect home, have a satisfied husband who’d always have a full belly and show nothing but love and adoration for me, and the most beautiful, well behaved, angelic children. And they would all ADORE me. Duh. As I got older, it became less about perfection and more about realism. I remember watching the remake of Cheaper by the Dozen, the one with Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt, and I daydreamed about having their life. The big, cozy farmhouse, the happy marriage, the houseful of kids, and the lovable pet dog…it all just seemed like a dream. Their house was always a mess and their life seemed like utter chaos, but they were happy. In my early 20’s, the messy house was “real” to me. What I didn’t see was the completely unrealistic façade of the happy, smiling faces. Life isn’t like that. I assumed that there was a chance that you could just be blissfully happy and unaware of any sadness if you did everything right. Fast forward even further. I was beginning to think I was never going to find the man of my dreams and start a family. My favorite movie of all time was You’ve Got Mail with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. I began to alter my dream to include a business of my own, just like Kathleen Kelley. I even thought about a children’s book store at one point, just like her. I had the name, Ever After, already picked out! The size of the family in my dream shrunk and I began to let other things have a place within my perfect image. My entrepreneurial spirit took hold and I put more focus on my photography. I tried to find peace within myself, and hope that’d I’d be okay if I never got what I thought was my perfect life. So here I am, alive and well in the year 2017. I have morphed my dream more than a time or two and came out in the end with exactly what I wanted. I am more than fortunate to have a loving, generous husband who supports and encourages me in all things and two beautiful children who make me so proud every single day. But, every day can’t be perfect. Some days, are just a shit show. Let’s be honest. For example, picture the scene in Cheaper by the Dozen where one child vomits on the floor because he thinks the spaghetti sauce on the counter is blood. Enter second child who slips in said vomit, and then joins in the puke parade. Life is a never ending slide into vomit. Sometimes it’s your own. It’s the self-doubt, poor-pitiful-me’s, and lack of confidence. Sometimes it’s the vomit of someone you love. It’s their lack of concern, their negativity, or maybe it’s the fact that they get sick. Cancer, diseases, disorders, they have a way of turning an otherwise beautiful day into a complete crapfest. These things are game changers. Or, it can be the vomit of someone completely unrelated to your life. It could be a parking lot ding on your car, the unexpected rain on the day you finally splurge and get your hair done. It could be something so completely random and unexpected that changes your entire outlook. Life is definitely not sunshine and roses. It’s not a package that can be neatly tied with a bow at the end of the day. My house is a mess 95% of the time. I might get the laundry done and the counters wiped down, but the floors haven’t been mopped in ages. I think I have four baskets of clean, unfolded laundry sitting on my couch at this very moment. There are nights when I feed my kids just Easy Mac. Instant mac n’ cheese. Yup. No veggies, no specified servings of each food group. Just carbs and manufactured cheese product. There are times when I scream at my kids. When I question the thought process happening in my husband’s brain. I question if I’m insane for continuing to pursue photography. Why in God’s name am I going back to school?? I am a 35 year old, minivan driving, mother-of-two. What makes me think that going to school could ever be a good idea? I question daily if I am giving my kids a good life. Are they happy and thriving? Am I failing them in any way? Is my husband satisfied in his life with me? Have my life choices affected anyone I love for the better? Or the worse, for that matter?? It all comes down to the realization that my life is not a movie. I do not live in a dream. My dream, what I have always wanted, is to go through life and have it be a total, hot mess, and turn out okay in the end.