I Knew You Were Trouble

When I was in my 20’s I had a string of TERRIBLE dates. Like really bad. I was working for a police department at the time and my Lieutenant used to ask me to either have my eHarmony boyfriend hopefuls pick me up at the PD, meet them at our destination, or call him for a black and white taxi. Regardless of how I chose to meet these boys, I was to always come by afterward and tell him how they went. He couldn’t believe how terrible these dates went and always looked forward to my very animated stories of woe. He would sit behind my dispatch station, boots propped on the desk with ankles crossed, hands behind his head, and say, “Ok, I’m ready. Go.” Oftentimes, he told me I needed to write them down in a book because I shouldn’t ever forget how far I’d come and he laughed as I told him the tale of when I called eHarmony to cancel my services. “Thank you for contacting eHarmony, ma’am, may I ask why you want to cancel your service? Have you found love?” “No, I’ve found a sniper, a sad sack, and a mama’s boy. Please cancel my subscription immediately.” Here are the tales of the most memorable three.

#1- I don’t remember this boy’s name. I don’t remember where we went to dinner or if we even did. I don’t remember much about our conversation. All I remember is that he wanted a tour of campus (Oklahoma State University) and wanted to see the “tallest building”. He never smiled, was very awkward, and even told me, “I don’t do hugs. I’ll shake your hand.” I am convinced he was a sniper and that date ended very, very quickly. I vaguely remember that we even agreed, “We won’t be calling each other.”

#2- Brian. Oh, Brian. Brian was sweet. We met at Aspen Coffee Shop just a few feet from the PD. He was about 3 inches shorter than I am (I’m only 5’3”.) and balding. I’m pretty sure he lied about his age. He was incredibly soft spoken and timid and put off the vibe that I could do or say whatever I wanted in the relationship and he would be more like a puppy. Just take him out for walks, feed him, and tell him he’s a good boy. We chatted for a short time and he was very nice. There was ZERO connection between Brian and me, but he was nice and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. At some point during the evening he had asked if I liked a band called Blue October. I answered that sure, I had heard a couple songs and they were pretty good. I wasn’t a raging fan or anything, but a song or two were ok. Fast forward to date number two. Brian seemed so harmless that I agreed to let him pick me up at my apartment and take me on a “surprise date”. There was still zero connection, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him no just yet. Maybe it would get better? In the car, he handed me an autographed copy of the Blue October album. He had stood in line for HOURS the prior weekend to get me this gift. After our first date, he did something I’m not even sure my husband would do. Hours in line for an autograph? No thank you. Sweet gesture, but a little much to take in on date two. He took me to a local park and had a full blown romantic picnic ready for me. Chocolate covered strawberries and all. Then, he started talking marriage. He felt we were meant to be together and that I was the one. On date two. I had to slow him down REAL fast, which broke his heart. He took me home and told me we couldn’t be friends anymore because he needed time to mend his broken heart. I was floored.

#3- Scott. Scott’s name has been changed to protect the innocent, as I will be using his last name in this story. Scott and I met, not through eHarmony, but rather through his mother. (Red flag, much?!) She was in a photography class I was taking and she had volunteered her three children to be models for the portrait section. Scott, his middle sister Stephanie, and his baby sister, Susie, all arrived one night after his mother spent most of the earlier portion of the class talking up her perfect baby boy. After class, Scott asked me out on a date and he seemed very sweet and funny, so I agreed. On said date, Scott arrives in a satin shirt with flames on it and a gold chain. Bad? You haven’t heard bad. Bad is when he accepted a phone call from his mother mid-date, at the dinner table, at Chili’s. She was inquiring how it was going and he filled her in. (Again, red flag!) That night, he asks me to dinner the following weekend to celebrate his mother’s birthday. Since I knew his mom and had met his sisters, I thought this would be fine. I was to meet him at his mother’s house about 45 minutes away from town. After arriving, I am promptly introduced to his Grandmother as his “girlfriend”. I let it slide as I think she is borderline senile and perhaps it’s just easier that way. No big deal; I can handle that. That is, until I arrive in the dining room where his mother and sisters have HUNDREDS of pictures strewn across the family table. They are there, for the sole purpose of showing me what my future children will look like. The eldest of said children, if a boy, had already been decided by the entire family, would be named Cowboy. Cowboy Bacon. His last name was Bacon. I couldn’t be the mom to Cowboy Bacon. Next, his father walks in the room, and as straight faced as a person could be, tells his son (the future father of Cowboy) that he and his wife have decided to put an offer in on the house next door so we could live close enough they could help with the kids. The KIDS! OMG. Where is the nearest exist and how fast/far can I run? Conversation continues wherein his sisters grill be about if they can be bridesmaids and what colors I want my wedding to be. I am so close to vomiting and I think I start to black out. Can I remind you that this isn’t even technically the second date? This is a family dinner. AND, that dinner turns out to not be at his mother’s house, but an hour away in Oklahoma City. I am trapped and now close to two hours from home. The night just continues to get worse as the family informs me the middle daughter, Stephanie, cannot bear children, and the youngest was only about 10 years old, so it was my DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY to give them grandchildren. She needed to be a grandmother to Cowboy before she died and didn’t think she could wait for little Susie to come of age. I ran for the hills, peeps. Did I forget to mention that his voice was so irritating I couldn’t bear to talk to him on the phone and we only communicated via text messages and emails? It doesn’t stop there. When I finally tell Cowboy, Sr. that I can’t see him again, he is so devastated that the legit quits his job, packs his things, and moves to Korea to teach English to the natives. KOREA. He moved to flippin’ Korea! He tells me he cannot remain my friend as I have broken his heart and he needed time to heal. Are you sensing a theme?!

There. Those are the sad, pathetic stories of my dating life. I had been cheated on. Had a long distance boyfriend get married while we were dating, Went out with a sniper, a sad sack, and a momma’s boy. I had another (married) man convinced he was in love with me and tell me, “I wish I had met you one day before I met my wife.” I dated a fireman trainee briefly who had a slideshow on his computer screensaver of every gun, knife, and weapon in his arsenal, where most people would have pictures of their friends, family, and pets. He then stripped himself naked, down to nothing but a fire helmet and a smile. I left. I left quickly. Terrible, terrible, terrible. I am so eternally thankful for my sane, sweet, smart, independent, husband who had been there all along, waiting in the wings.